alwayskayaking | Duplicity Inbox

Yes. I think it could. I don't know for certain, but I'm not willing to bet their lives.

Didn't you tell me that you've lost, anyway? That they're all living in some horrific apocalyptic world? What are they really losing at this point if we take out Elias while we have the chance?

Tim... [It's a very, very tired sigh.] Martin and I are apparently trying to fix it. I don't know if it can be fixed, but those people deserve the chance to see the other side of it, if it can be.

Oh? Yeah? And what's the big plan to fix it back home? Hm? Listen to you! You're willing to let people continue to suffer on a maybe because you want to be a hero?

And we're talking, what? A couple hundred people who work or has worked at the institute before compared to the whole world? It's hard Jon, but sometimes you need to think bigger picture.

So if you think conventional means might kill him then if I get the chance I'm going to take it.

[A hero. Jon could laugh. He doesn't, just stares down at the coffee Tim had bought for him.] Every time I've tried to play hero, it's given Elias exactly what he wants, Tim. Forgive me, if I don't try to put myself out there anymore. I have no idea what's playing into his hands and what isn't.

Do you know what it's like to feel like you can't trust yourself to do anything? Because it might be what he wants? It might be giving some sociopath exactly what he wants. I'm trying, Tim. Not to be a hero. God, do you really think that's what I want? I'm not a hero. I can never be a hero. That's for people like you or Martin. People who are still people, not... this.

Do whatever you want. I won't stop you. But I can't help you with it, either.

Then I am going to try to kill him. If he's as bad as you say and the reason so many have suffered back home? Then I'm going to take the chance if given one.

He might come back, so you're aware. People don't always stay dead here. Almost everyone in the program was killed two months before you arrived. Humans, monsters, all of us. I don't know if Elias was on the space ship with us. I didn't see him, personally. I don't see why he wouldn't have been. But toward the end of our time there, a madness overtook us. Paranoia or rage or both. We started hallucinating things that could hurt us... and some people started murdering everyone they could find.

It... it was a slaughter. A mindless, vicious slaughter. Those of us who managed to hide and survive that, um... they opened all the airlocks all at once. We couldn't stop it. And then we woke up here like nothing had happened.

Edited 2020-06-14 17:25 (UTC)

[Tim gives a bitter laugh at the new information. Of course there would be some sort of catch.] You could have started with that.

But are you sure you all actually... [He pauses with a frown. Suddenly realizing how heartless he was being charging ahead with his questions like this. He takes a deep breath and starts again. Trying to be a bit more kind this time.] I'm sorry. I can't even imagine how hard it would have been to experience that. It must have been horrific.

[It had been. Jon chooses not to dwell.]

I don't know if we actually died, Tim. I know what it felt like. But Martin's died here, as well. Before that, during a war between a man called Nissen and the Creator of LIEs. He was stabbed and bled out, but came back a few days later.

He--? someone--? [He lets out an angry breath and runs a hand through his hair.] Christ. I don't know if I should be happy that Martin is still alive or angry that it means killing Elias isn't going to be that easy.

[There's something of an extended pause.]

Be happy. I'm... less inclined to try to be human when he's not here.

[Tim scoffs and rolls his eyes.] Oh, grow up. [That's not fair and not exactly the right phrase he wants to use but: stop being a monster doesn't have a wildly used colloquial for him to use instead. He goes on to explain his feelings a bit more.] So you're willing to give up and become a monster all over one man? One person and you're willing to start hurting people and giving in to being a monster? That's not fair to put that much pressure on Martin. To make him the one thing holding you back.

[That is still not fair, but Tim might be letting his frustration over not being able to do much about Elias, unable to stop monsters from killing his brother, and feeling just in way over his head spill over and all over Jon.] If you really want to not become like Elias then you need to be better. Because if you really can't cope if Martin suddenly vanishes? Then I won't hesitate to take you down before you become too dangerous and I really don't want to have to do that.

Learn to listen. I said less inclined, not completely disinclined. [It's snapped back at Tim because he literally just had this argument with Diva.] He's already disappeared from here once and I didn't fly off the deep end. You know exactly what it's like to lose someone you love so much, how everything changes. You uprooted your entire life for your little brother.

But please do take me down if I ever do become too dangerous. I've already made arrangements for someone to kill me when it comes to that, but you're more than welcome.

Yeah, I did. Uprooted my life to stop more bad things from happening to others and to seek revenge. I didn't become one of them because of loss. I certainly didn't give up either. [Because Jon giving into what he was becoming felt that way to Tim in his mind. Even if it wasn't fair to Jon.]

But I'm glad that didn't happen when he disappeared before. I'm glad you were stronger than that.

Edited 2020-06-16 13:58 (UTC)

[Jon's ready to snap back. Even after all this time, how much he's grown and seen, how guilty he feels, it's far too easy to sink back into this dynamic with Tim. Rubbing each other up in all the wrong ways, fear and self-loathing matching Tim's righteous and (sometimes) unfair anger. Jon holds his tongue for a moment. Actually bites down on it to make certain he doesn't say something he'll regret.

He's doing it right this time. Tim is still hurting so much and knows so little. Jon knows he has to be the one to do it right, even if it's difficult, even if it's not fair. Tim deserves it.]

You're right. You didn't give up. You've never given up. [It's half a lie.] I wasn't stronger than anything. I just have people here who... make me want to be better than what I am. Martin's the most important ones, but there are others. You're one of them now.

I know I need to be better, Tim. I am trying. I'm also trying to keep you safe so that I don't lose you. You're important, Tim. To me, to Martin... God, I wouldn't be surprised if you're already important to other people. I know you don't care what happens to you. Please just... please, just don't throw your life away here. I know you care so much, but please be careful?

[It won't be hard to tell how surprised Tim is to hear that he's one of those people. It's written clearly on his face and he even lets out a nervous, embarrassed chuckle.] Me? [He shakes his head having trouble believing it.] No, I-we aren't that close. [Were they? Maybe a lot changes between them back home in that year he has left.] But I'll try to be someone who could be important to you. To help keep you human.

And I don't have any plans to throw my life away recklessly. I more want to know how best to protect myself and if that means putting a bullet between his eyes then I better learn how to shoot a gun then shouldn't I?

['We aren't that close.'

No. Jon supposes they aren't.]

We don't have to be that close. I'm responsible for everything that happened and will happen to you in the Archives. I couldn't keep you safe there. I can't really here, either, but the dangers are different. And you were so angry and bitter at the end.

I'd forgotten you were- that you could be... happy. I just don't want you to lose that and I think just staying away from Elias is a better solution. I doubt he'll come after you unless it's to get to me, and you're far more intimidating than other potential targets.

Edited 2020-06-17 13:27 (UTC)

You forgot I can be happy? [Well, that sure sounds ominous.] Me? The office's lovable prankster? Things really do go pretty sour in a year, don't they?

And it's not just about protecting me. It's about protecting all the people he has or will hurt. What kind of people are we if we just turn a blind eye and let him hurt other people so long as it's not us?

[There's a but of an extended pause.]

I... lost it. After Prentiss. After finding Gertrude's body. It didn't help having that Not-Sasha thing around. I could feel it, but I didn't know what it was, not back then. Elias was still pretending he had nothing to do with it. I started stalking you. I started stalking everyone. I barely slept or ate. I spent all night spinning wild conspiracy theories to myself about how you or the others could have killed Gertrude and were planning to kill me. It was bad. Obviously, it was horrible. It ruined things between us. Something I could never...

You hated me, Tim. Rightly so. I don't want to repeat that.

And I understand that you want to stop Elias hurting anyone else. Punish him for what he's done. As far as I know, it's only me and Agnes he's actually done anything horrible to here. He's been playing the model citizen otherwise. It's not turning a blind eye, but I just don't know what good it's going to actually do here. It might wind up catching innocent people in the crossfire in Duplicity and at home without having anything to actually show for it past the satisfaction of destroying someone evil. Possibly only temporarily.

Not-Sasha... [Tim's face falls once again. Even having been told several times that she gets-- has been replaced it was hard to believe. How could he have possibly not noticed her being replaced? They had dated and she was his best friend at the institute. It still didn't seem possible.

Wait-- what did Jon just say?] You thought I was planning on killing you? How could you think that? I only went into the archives because you asked me to. I risked my life coming back for you and Martin. If I wanted you dead I would have left you behind during the attack. [The suddenly Tim chuckles as if afraid of being left behind in some joke.] Wait, you're joking right? [That had to be it.] You really need to work on that a bit more.

And that's exactly why he should be stopped now before he gets any sort of power and influence behind him.

[Jon gives him a look before sipping his coffee. He could pass it off as a joke it would be easy. Tim seems to want it to be, and that's half the trouble with a lie, isn't it? Unfortunately, Jon wasn't a creature of comforting falsehoods even before he'd become the Archivist.]

When I say I lost it, I lost it. I was paranoid, delusional. If it hadn't been exactly what Elias wanted, he'd have needed to fire me. Or have me committed. I thought Martin wanted to kill me.

[He'll circle back to Elias in a moment when Tim understands just how unhinged he'd been.]

Martin? You thought that Martin was out to kill you? [Now Tim lets out a bray of laughter.] You really did completely lose it, didn't you?

[The laughter stings. Jon knows on some level that this is Tim coping, that he probably doesn't think it's actually funny, just... doesn't know how to react to circumstances that haven't happened, yet. But that doesn't mean it's not a bit like getting slapped in the face for trying to be vulnerable.

He can't be. Not with Tim. Not like this. It's probably good to have the reminder on something relatively mild.]

For a time, yes. I think maybe we've had enough of a heart-to-heart, Tim. So, unless you have any other pressing questions or murder plots to share, I think I should probably get back to work.

[There is nothing funny about anything they've discussed. The laughter simply felt like a better choice then screaming for the moment.] I don't know? Do you have any sort of good news to share? [Tim knows the answer if he's being perfectly honest with himself. He just so badly wants to be wrong. To have some sort of hope to cling to.] Because, yeah, I think I've had my fill of heart to heart for today if you don't.

[...]

Martin and I had a lovely holiday in Scotland before everything went bad. It was like... having a honeymoon. We saw a lot of very fuzzy cows.

[It's not much, but its... sort of good news.]

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